By Cheryl (Lady Tashi) Costa
On nearly a daily basis, I listen to neo-pagan, heathen, and witch folks lament about being shunned, ostracized, and literally disowned for being a communicant of a non-mainstream religion.
The scenario typically plays out like this. A person embraces and finds fulfillment in one of the neo-pagan, heathen, and witch traditions. Most of the time, they are very private about it, until one day the family finds out by accident, or sometimes the individual simply comes out to their family.
That is when the blow-up begins. Family members start recalling all the centuries old Burning Times propaganda. Suddenly the pagan family member is accused of being a Satan worshiper and subjected to a litany of other criticisms and condemnations.
Of course, these days, the modern mental health community would encourage calm and suggests that the family sit down and talk it all out, perhaps with a helping professional present. The truth is it rarely works out like that. Most of the time it comes down to the family is in the right; the pagan person is in the wrong, end of the story.
I remember a young professional colleague of mine who was still living at home after college. His parents one day found out that he practiced a Norse faith tradition. They asked him about it. He honestly explained his beliefs and himself. He thought all was well.
He came back from a business trip and found all his belongings packed up in moving boxes and covered with a tarp on the front porch. The locks on his parents’ house had all been changed. Later they told him they could not have a devil worshipper living in their home.
I can speak from personal experience. For years I have been told in no uncertain terms by immediate family members that “…Satan is whispering in your ear.” For thirty years, my immediate blood family: siblings, parents, and some of my aunts and uncles have shunned me for being a witch. Over the years, I have been through sporadic seasons of outright exile and those of mild tolerance.
I am currently in a period of shunning. For example, my only niece recently gave birth to a second great-grandson, I was not told. I heard about this wonderful family event third hand.
In addition, I have not been informed about the funerals of cousins and, in one case, even a grandparent. When I finally heard about the grandparent death from a non-family member, I called a sibling and asked why? The answer came back simply. “Well, our granny was a good Christian person; we felt it would be inappropriate for a witch to be there!”
On first thought, you might say that my pagan brethren and I should just ignore them. But it is not that easy! We have been programmed in this culture that family comes first. Those heartstrings run deep within us. We are programmed with this notion of, do as we say, or we will not love you anymore.
For decades I have heard a similar story from my LGBTQ friends, but in recent years that situation has become better for many, but the exclusionary conduct by families persists. My blood family refused to attend both my sacred union and years later, my legal marriage to my wife. It was only attended by my professional colleagues, friends, and extended family.
I am 67 years old; I have been a Witch for forty years. What does my family expect me to do to be welcomed back into their loving embrace? Am I supposed to come to Jesus, be born again, and get Baptized in a river someplace?
The message from our families is that we are wrong in our practice of a different faith than theirs. Since we are wrong in their eyes, they feel enabled to stand on some presumed higher moral ground. From this exalted position, they quite literally empower themselves to practice a form of mental and emotional child abuse.
What we are talking about is family-based faith bigotry and emotional and religious terrorism. The burden that families inflict is almost immeasurable. Again, in my own situation, many months ago, I had to engage the professional services of a Psychotherapist to help me keep some perspective and an even emotional keel.
In my own case, I have embraced their banishment and, in my mind, have disowned them. That is taking control of the situation and putting it on my own terms.
Why? Because there comes the point when the desire for your family’s love, approval, and embrace becomes overpowering, at some point, you begin to listen and start to believe they are right, and you are wrong. If you start to doubt yourself, the abuser has won!
If you are reading this and have an estranged family member, please put away who is right and wrong and all the other dogmatic rhetoric. Reach out and start an honest, sharing, and listening dialog with that loved one. You both might just learn something.
Thoughtful topic commentary welcome. Lady Tashi can email her at
About Cheryl/Lady Tashi: Cheryl {Lady Tashi} Costa was raised Roman Catholic, became a witch in 1978. She was initiated in the Alexsanderian tradition and cross initiated in a handful of small eclectic traditions. She has taught basic craft to several hundred students over the years. From 1991 to 1992, she produced 70 episodes of the first publicly televised cable series by witches about witches. The program was called Kestryl and Company and was on cable systems in the Washington, DC area for several years. In addition, she lived seven years in a Buddhist monastery and holds several ordinations. Mundanely, she is retired from the aerospace industry and in retirement she is a freelance journalist.
