The Road To Forgiveness By Ellie Blair

I lost my mother when I was 10 years old. No she didn’t pass away or run away leaving me behind. She fell into the arms of alcoholism. My beautiful loving caring mother lost herself thinking she had found a friend, something that could help her to forget the pain she was suffering and help her deal with the guilt she was carrying. She had an inability to face problems without the help of the thing that she felt made the same problems go away. I came to hate her-a word I never use in my vocabulary for the sheer nature of its ugliness and negativity. At ten years old, I had no other way to describe how seeing my mother incapacitated seemingly having a great time affected me. I became engulfed in guilt myself, shame, loneliness, confusion, lying about her and covering up for her became the norm. Back then there was no counseling, talking therapy, support, or recognition that she was ill. What I saw was my source of love, security, laughter, nurturing, comfort, and safety disappearing into a place that I didn’t know, a place where she wasn’t able to recognise me as her child. As her eldest, she became dependent on me to hold things together. You can only imagine what that looked and felt like to a ten year old girl. I resented her, I loathed her, I loved her with all of my heart and wanted her back. 

At the age of 16, I allowed myself to walk away. To leave a place that caused me so much pain. I know that my Mother would cry often and ask people where I was. I was too deeply embedded in the negativity of it all to even consider that she did actually love and miss me. The last time I saw her alive was two years later. She was in an alcohol unit in a small hospital and obviously quite ill at this stage and close to dying. I recall her looking at me and calling me someone else's name-my Mother didn’t recognise me. In the depth of the sadness that I was already feeling before I saw her, I walked away and never went back. I didn’t go to her funeral. I now realise that I was also too far gone in my own ideas, perceptions, disappointments, and frustrations to grieve for the Mother I had already lost before she passed.

I completely agree with the concept that time heals. It truly does. I bring this forward to a couple of  extraordinary situations I found myself in that were the beginnings of my new relationship with my Mother-yes she was long gone but my faith was restored. I was (and still am) very much on my path of Spirituality and Learning. I was reading a plethora of different literature about self growth/empowerment/walking the path/opening my heart. I was particularly interested at this time in Goddess related literature and philosophy. A powerful and beautiful way to look at ourselves as women through the eyes of these fascinating symbols of strength. I was book shopping one day and came across something that jumped out at me. A title that caught my eye-Goddesses For Every Season. A book I can work with on a daily basis to further my learning and growth. Upon picking it up, I froze on the spot as the name of the Author is Nancy Blair !!!!!! Yes, Nancy Blair was my mother’s name. The author is an American woman, a well respected writer and artist-absolutely no connection to my Mother. Something shifted in me. There were no words to describe how I felt. I read this as being my Mother’s way of telling me she loved me and that she was around me. I felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I  was in a much better position myself having worked on my past and allowing myself to let it go. Working in mental health at that time allowed me the opportunity to better understand addictions and the importance of respecting my own mental health and that of others. I didn’t care if people thought I was a bit crazy, maybe reading too much into this. It didn’t matter. I knew in my own heart that I was being given an opportunity to finally release anything negative that still remained in my psyche associated with my Mother. Life looked and felt different. I found that having compassion is actually a healthy way forward in this precious life that we have.  

One year later, all is well in my world. I continue to have nothing but admiration for the woman who brought me into this world. I decided to travel to Australia to stay with friends in Sydney. I do silent meditation in the Blue Mountains. I know my life is blessed. I have always had an interest in Aboriginal Dreamtime Art. I was advised to visit the Aboriginal History Museum and shop in Sydney before I left to return home to London. I did. I was very drawn to a beautiful small Aboriginal Art painting for sale, picked it up and turned it over to see the name of the Artist. The name Nancy Campbell was before me. Yes, Campbell was my Mother’s maiden name. The art was done by a woman from the Anmatyerre Tribe in the Northern Territory. Skeptics/Cynics would find reasoning for dismissing these events, I felt no need to question what had happened. I was reassured that indeed my Mother loved me and that forgiveness is the beginning and not the end. 

Since my childhood I have believed that our soul carries on eternally after physical death and these experiences do nothing but strengthen my feelings about the subject of life after death. Forgiveness is a very difficult subject to bring to the table. Everybody who has felt the need to say “I will never forgive” for bad things that have happened to them has a right to do so. Being released from these emotions through having an open heart  and if necessary, finding appropriate help is the pathway to living life in peace, to being free of pain, and to being happy. Forgiveness can come in many forms, everybody has their own story to tell about their experiences relating to this subject. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it can change the future if we allow ourselves to feel the positive shift that forgiving can create.  

About Ellie Blair: Ellie Blair has been walking the path of spirituality for over 35 years both in her personal and working life. She is a Reiki Healer, Massage Therapist, Writer, Life Coach, and Published Author. She studied Social Psychology before entering the world of Alternative Medicine/Holistic Healing and Wellbeing. This opened the doors to what she regards as her “Life's Journey”. She lived in Taos, New Mexico for 12 years where part of that life changing time was spent working at the World Heritage Native American Taos Pueblo with the Red Willow Tribal People. She aspires to use her healing gifts and writing skills at every opportunity for the Spiritual Growth and Wellbeing of others. She continues on her path of learning and personal growth, working always from a place of gratitude and integrity. 

Ellie's Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/ellie.blair.94/